Dear Preggo Pals,

Ready to add some fire to your life?  Cause the year 2012 is the Year of the Dragon according to the Chinese Zodiac Calendar.  The water dragon to be specific (I think they mean as in: Loch Ness or perhaps Puff the Magic.)

I researched what it means to be a dragon, and according to TravelChinaGuide.com dragon babies are likely to be: lively, intellectual, energetic and excitable. They often can be leaders and try to go for perfection. When they meet with difficulties, they are not discouraged. They are magnanimous, romantic and sensitive about their reputation. Cons: They are a little arrogant and impatient. Sometimes, ‘dragons’ are unable to control their moods very well due to being eccentric, tactless, fiery, intolerant and unrealistic.

So dress your baby in their lucky colors: golden, silver, gray or white.  Avoid red, green, purple, black.  (Too bad, I am still going for a black and red themed nursery) Be sure to teach them their lucky numbers: 1, 7, and 6.

Enjoy your darling dragons!

Love,

Dear Condo,

You are about to receive the biggest round of updates you’ve ever had.  There is just one little issue. On HGTV and other home design shows they always go from drag to fab in a neat little half hour or hour package.  They show you the horrifying before shots and whisk you effortlessly to the glamourous after.  That just isn’t life.  This is…

After living in you, Condo, for 4 1/2 years I have accumulated a ton of junk.  Most of the less used junk was stored in front bedroom Josh and I referred to as “the Office.” Well, “the Office” must morph into “the Baby’s Room” by March, so there is no time like the present to begin this real life transformation.

The only issue is what TV shows never illustrate, what do you do with all the random crap that was already in the room?  Josh and I have been struggling to clear the room this entire week we have had off for the winter holiday.

We’ve made keep, toss, sell, and donate piles, but all that really succeeded in doing was cluttering up the other rooms in our tiny abode.  Plus, you can’t just shlep stuff from the original closet to another without clearing out room in the new closet.  Therefor, we not only had to clear out the room formerly known as “the Office,” but we also had to clear out room in our storage unit, front hall closet, and master bedroom closet. That meant more sorting and more piles.  After all of our efforts the room is still only 80% emptied, and the rest of our house looks like a bomb went off.

The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step.  We started stepping, but man do you have a while to go.  I promise at the end of this Condo, that you will be a cute and somewhat tidy family home. I’ll keep you posted.

Love,

Dear World,

During this overly hormonal time in my life I am particularly sensitive, and I’ve noticed some bizarre trends in the way that humanity deals with the pregnant.  Allow me to share my insights with you.

Insight One: How do you feel?

People love asking pregnant women how they feel.  I never realized this tendency, but I am sure in the past I have done this to other women.  There is something about the delicate state of baby growing that makes people inquire.  Its a genuinely sweet way to show concern and caring, but just to let to truth be known, I’m most likely not going to answer honestly.

When I was in the first trimester I felt hung over 24-7.  I had a slight headache, subtle constant nausea, and I reached levels of exhaustion that I didn’t know were physically possible.  Yet when people asked me how I felt I didn’t blurt out “miserable!” Rarely was I honest with them. I’d say, “fine.”  It’s hard to admit to people that you aren’t fine.  You feel vulnerable enough with an alien life form growing in your body, you’re afraid to admit to others just how weak you are.  The most complaining I felt comfortable doing was saying, “I’m feeling tired.”

Moral of the story: if a pregnant women says they are “fine” they are not.  Actually men-that holds true for almost all women.  Fine never really means fine.  Write that down.

Insight Two: Comments about Appearance.

Every pregnant women responses to comments about her physical appearance differently. When my belly was just popping, and a person told me “I didn’t even  look pregnant” I wanted to punch them in the face.   Here I was, going through all this effort of growing a human, and watching my beloved waist line disappear, and you are telling me you can’t see the fruit of my efforts?  I wanted to shake them and shout, “Do you really think I was this fat before!  I”m already 15 pounds heavier!”   I believe that people intended the, “you’re barely showing!”  as a compliment, but it annoyed this particular pregnant person beyond belief.

What I did enjoy hearing was how cute I looked.  When shopping on Black Friday with my teenage cousin a sales girls at one of those teeny bopper stores complimented by maternity shirt and told me how cute I looked.  It made my day.  Nay, my month. Go spread some cheer and tell a pregnant person they look cute.

Insight Three: Shared Battle Stories

I’m getting to that stage of pregnancy where everyone feels compelled to tell you their labor horror tales.  I suppose I bring some of this on myself, because I am curious how the experience went for other people.  But here are some guidelines so you don’t scare the preggo pants off anyone:

1) Give a realistic timeline for your labor.  Please don’t exaggerate for effect.  If your labor was over 24 hours, please don’t speak of it.

2) If you opted for an “au naturale” birth, good for you.  Don’t judge me for wanting drugs.

3) Only share stories where something freakish and horrifying happened to your baby if their is a vital lesson for me to learn for it.  Otherwise, please don’t upset me.

Hopefully these observations and insights will help you in your future interactions with those who are with child.

Love,